It doesn’t really surpise me that I have not taken any photos of her.
She just has that effect on the world and has just as little expectation back of it.
Just a small bay mare, not quite a horse, not quite a pony, plain face and body( complete with the hyper-vigilant ewe-neck) with 16 yrs of calloused indifference to life and humans. She had zero pride in herself, scruffy and unkept, and would roll in the muddiest, urine soaked corner of her pen. Add to this a developing tendency to extreme reactions when asked to do the simplest things and as a result was beginning to hurt people. At an age when most horses are starting to become labeled as “dependable”,”steady” “Broke” she was just broken. Embittered, resentful, hard and ill- mannered. Somehow this small, unremarkable mare managed to bring out the very worst in those around her, and anger was the main emotion. My first week working with her, ” Ignorant” was the word I found myself mentally using on her…………….
I would try all the usual methods I have developed to connect in the first week, and met with absolute failure. I sat in her pen, took her grazing, brushed with super soft brush, played the ‘waiting game’, moved her around on-line gently establishing lines of respect and communication, looked for her itchy spots.
Nothing.
She would allow me to catch her, but that reaction of running off/rearing/turning away/focused on her buddies/flinging her head in the air was a constant presence and to be honest, I felt myself becoming just as triggered as everyone else had handling this mare….”Ignorant Cow” I would mutter under my breathe as she flew backwards for the 6th time as I attempted to brush the crusted filth her mane……
And then I got MAD!
MAD, MAD, MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t even begin to tell you how p-d off I was! Here is this little horse, hard, calloused, ignorant and ugly struggling with me for her survival, and all because SHE was the one treated Ignorantly by Ignorant people. Ignorant in every meaning of the word to be sure, but the damage was done. This horse could wear pressure in some places (on her sides and mouth) like crazy, and had zero tolerance for any (on her sides and mouth) in other places. And those crazy reactions? Simply her capacity for being treated ‘ignorantly’ had been reached,her intolerance to engaging in the simplest of tasks reflecting it. She simply would not bend to human will any longer. This ended up being her saving grace, and thus she ended up here with me. Having lived with emotional distance as protection, and trust a trigger word, I could relate when I finally allowed myself to feel her…..
What I found under the hardness was a gift of tenderness. Like a freshly exfoliated callous, there is super sensitive new tissue. And raw fear, of course. Lack of trust knowing what would be the point in it anyway, as it must have brought confusion and (to her anyway) a threat to her very survival.
For me, it was the tiny moments of pure relaxation, when her erratic breathing calmed ( and this was just standing with her folks), when I felt her surprise when I acknowledged her slightest try with a certain degree of consistency, when I told her she was beautiful and very clever (and truly meant it) when we figured something out together……When I felt her begin to enjoy (even for a few strides) our rides together, when she knew that she was right with me and I would completely leave her alone, loose rein and rubs on the neck…”Good Girl”! blow blow blow….
When she would challenge my leadership with a couple bucks, and attempts to return to home and I would emphatically correct her….then leave her alone, trusting her to chose comfort with me, and then yesterday………….
After a new trail along the river complete with bridges, cows, and torrential rain, we sauntered in, loose reined and low headed completely tuned in to one another and unconcerned with any horse on the property, with eyes that followed me as we untacked and such softness in her body as I brushed the rain soaked hair best that I could, and felt such incredible tenderness well up in me towards this little brave mare for showing and reflecting yet another piece of the puzzle ………of horses, myself and life.
I believe no one means to harden another soul on purpose, it happens from ignorance, lack of awareness, low level of consciousness. How often does force come into play when knowledge runs out? Or simply the willingness to connect and pay attention to that whom we are interacting? To slow down and feel, and see, and hear, and be present? How often do we attempt to attach blame instead of simply trying to understand? I come away feeling we are all trying the best we can, but hoping that we all have the courage to seek a change for the better as our heroine of this tale did…
Thank you, beautiful little bay mare…………
