Tag: allow

Begin Again

Posted on by Stefanie in Blog


Well, it been quite some time, hasn’t it?

If I could count the number of times I’ve signed into my Blog….….…....and then left it.




Only just today do i understand why. Writing this first entry after my Mom’s story has proven to be one of the most difficult and challenging transitions of my life. It’s like finally admitting that life does indeed go on….

Oh, and Life has been so unceasingly busy this year. Go Figure. That I have perhaps orchestrated it that way is not lost on me. With no time to pause and reflect, to sit with the pain and emptiness that comes on Sunday mornings when I call her to share… hand frozen on the phone as I remember. When I have to make trips back to the Island on that ferry and the pain crawls in close then as I usually miss a boat and am left with no choice but to sit quietly for 2 hrs surrounded with decades of memories. As randomly as grocery shopping…Chocolate….Lilacs…The screwy hour hand on the clock in my kitchen……my mohair hand knitted mittens.

Christmas………..



I have been for the most part able to carry on as if she may soon be coming back….But like her dear Soul Dog, Toby, I have finally begun to get that she is just not coming back.


Ever.

I had a visit with him last time on the Island, and he was just done waiting and so, off he went off to find her. Another piece of her goes as well for us, and yet, life goes on…

Don’t get me wrong….I love life and understand its ebb and flow and rhythms that color it and shape it and mold it to be always perfect, balanced and natural intellectually and spiritually. But Emotionally?

It hurts like hell and I miss my mom so much it staggers me sometimes.

I will heal. I will allow the pain to come in and pass thru. I will be still enough to feel. I know that she has never left me. I see her in every Red Tailed Hawk that flies so often in my path whenever I am unsure or question…..

This grieving process is a first timer for me and my compassion for those who have lost one so close knows no bounds now…I get it. Hiding in buckets of work is what we Travers’s like to do, and feeling the bad stuff sucks, but better out then in. So I learn a new ability. I feel the tender raw new sensations and the dirty, gritty, rotten old ones as well. The sweet taste of memories running down my face, the empty ache inside that I simply just need to allow myself to surrender to. Odd I suppose that it has taken so long for me to really feel this, but then again, I guess not. I am the past master at not feeling, and well well well…don’t old habits die hard when the chips are down.

The most beautiful thing about all this though? The only thing I need to do is also the hardest thing to do. Feel and feel and feel and feel and feel and then…


Let Go…

and begin again.


On the Road Again…

Posted on by Stefanie in Blog

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

…Robert Frost

So, um, yes. That IS the ocean as a matter of fact. As seen through the car deck railing on the Coastal Inspiration ( hmmmm….how appropriate!) the Big Fancy Shmancy new BC Ferry, from Dude Point to Tsawassen, 5:15 boat. On the return trip back home from being with family for a couple days.

Now, while I think its becoming abundantly clear that I am officially no longer an Island Girl…I mean with their complete lack of Sagebrush, Pine trees, snow and bluebird blue sky in winter it does rank Vancouver Island, er, shall we say just a teeny tiny bit less favored on my list of Dream Places to Live…:) However, this simply cannot take away form its own special beauty, smells, sounds, feel and of course where we grow up always holds a tender spot in our hearts. Being with my Mom, Chris, my brilliant older brother, and my Soul Sister Inet (YAY! Dog Talk Walks!:) are all very cherished times when I come back to some deep roots and feel connection with those close and dear. And as much as I am so happy in my true home of (“Why? Its too damn hot and too danm cold, no regular services like internet, Costco, and rain, ((tee-hee!))” the Interior,(( Its the rocks:)), there IS something simply astonishing about when the ocean shows off with the sky, when all that dang moisture mixes with the atmosphere and …Arg!There are just simply tooooooo many semi trucks in the way to take a proper photo while driving and attempting to tell Sage to keep the truck on the road while I’m snapping pictures…OH! oops! Sorry, um, right. Well there sure are some truly beautiful things about EVERYWHERE in this world, aren’t there?
It is also a great opportunity to try to catch up with some of you very patient folks waiting for lessons right now, and I managed to stop in and see Janel and Kestrel’s little guy, Rune. As you may remember, Kestrel is up for refreshing, and her baby Rune is apparently quickly outgrowing any attempts to hide his hide in a blanket (lookin’ a bit Speedo-ish, Janel:). Janel thought to play with liberty a bit, so I started, just explaining a bit about my philosophy on..yep, you guessed it, Less is More, flight zones and balance points, draw (oh treasured draw!) taking space and here’s a surprise…Feel! we switched after a bit, allowing Janel to play with what it all feels like, and experiment with getting feedback from what she was doing. At some point along our time together, we decided it would be cool to have Rune go over the cavelleti….at liberty….hahaha! And so the lesson went , Rune getting up, then coming back to us, him unsure about this odd turn of events, and how the heck did we KNOW!!!( we hide the owners manual deep in an inside pocket)and really starting to stick with both of us at different times well. So there we were chatting away at the far end of the arena, just to the South of Mr. Cavelleti, and for all intents and purposes, ignoring Rune for we were “done”. Not so Rune……
He sniffs the rail, nudges it, paws the ground, scratches on it, trips over it as he noncommittally plays with his plan, ambles over and visits,then goes back to the cavelleti…and steps over. All on his own. Janel and I are standing there in wonderment knowing that our creatures are intelligent, thinking, feeling beings, same as we are, yet somehow astonished when he so clearly KNEW what we were after and was trying to the best of his baby confidence to do for us.He had no lead on him at anytime in this session…
That’s Liberty! That’s connection. That’s try. That’s Awareness. That’s……..well, it was pretty darn cool, and why oh why do we forget they “get” it? Just because we are to dumb to read them doesn’t mean for one second they aren’t reading us at every level, at every second, and it sure causes me to wonder when they don’t do what we we ask….why?

Todays “Deep Thought” Brought to you By Canines Concerned about the Safety Of Driving With Wacky Humans, Ginger Molasses Cookies, and the letter M.

Seven Half Diamond, 2010

Posted on by Stefanie in Blog

Ok. Ok….Apparently I cannot help sharing some of these great photos from all these Camps. Each one I swear was my favorite, each one special and full of the best kind of people….Enjoy! So these are from the Seven Half Diamond Camp in August, and what a blessing to be at a higher altitude during the hottest week in Merritt in the summer! In town was 36 degrees Celsius, up at 7.5, a balmy 30….MUCH more conducive to hanging out and learning with horses.. The Cabin was cool and such a focal point, with its lake views, shady porches and all the comforts of home in a beautiful, lovingly hand made way. With enough privacy, yet camaraderie, good food, laughs and tears (yes, all the really good camps have tears, don’t they?)were in definite abundance, it was one of the best parts of this week. Four good friends, 2 from the Island, 2 from Pritchard came together to meet and re-unit with their horses and I left the theme of the week up to them to dictate, and I suppose it really should be no surprise that it ended up being all about Feel…hahahaha! It is simply inescapable and insistent in being brought to our full awareness……. So...what better way to start then with the (soon to be infamous:) Waiting Game? Once again peace descends upon the area, as horses await they time to come in at free choice to be with their human. Each one different in their methodology of the approach, yet each one intensely focused, almost in a microcosm, unsure, curious, seemingly indifferent at times, certainly unsettled at the turn of events and checking out what every other being is doing, until they all, horse and human alike reach stillness and presence….and that wondrous magic occurs yet again…..This is truly an exercise that will effect you like no other. We ended the first day with a casual trail ride up the pipeline, enjoying the shade and quiet time to be ‘with‘ our horses…. and oh ok! And a really good loooong gallop up the grassy hills…:) Long trotting out brought some interesting reactions from both species, horses adapting somewhat quicker the the humans to this seemingly innocent enough task and we dwindled to 1/2 the group rising with the sun to repeat the next morning. And what a treat! The cool, sweet smelling pines and damp grasses swishing as our horses hooves beat out a regular cadence as we rode the grassland trails, up and down hills, through stands of aspen and finishing up by the misty lake and the call of the loons…almost a surreal morning. The last day was a competition of sorts involving a course with certain requirements and obstacles that participants had a bare exposure to at the outset. As well as being timed, marks were added for exceptional feel and awareness of their horses individual needs. To watch everyone get so soft and connected with their horses was astonishing! To see the expansion of Consciousness; for the slightest try, the softest ask, the most generous allow and the grace of knowing when a threshold of confidence had been reached.
What a group!

One last ride out , experimenting with ponying and all it entails which is such a powerful lesson and boy! It sure allows us to be clearly the leader and how it can give that all needed focus and intention to our riding, not to mention exercise to that second horse always left at home…. moving a few head of cattle, a splash in the lake and then the sad packing up, cleaning and loading all our toys and memories up…and off to our respective corners of the world again…. Thanks Roma and Keeper, Tracy and Mesa, Deb and Topper and Cheryl and Magic !

Testing……..

Posted on by Stefanie in Uncategorized

Testing…………………

Testing…………………..

Anyone still out there??????????????

eeeesh! Its been a 3 month dry spell for no writing and I am missing it and looking forward to getting to blab on and on again…!

BUT! hahahahaha Not tonight! But, I would like to share and invite everyone (all 2 of you….:) to come and visit me at the Mane Event this year!

YES! I will have a booth, #606 or alternatively, just look for the dogs. I am very excited/nervous, and look forward to trying something new and different again….because you can’t hardly do too much of that growing and learning stuff!

So swing by and have a coffee/tea and we will get the chance to catch up face to face….Happily, this event is also causing me to set some Camp Dates for 2011 (2011!!!!!!!!!) very early (especially for me!:) and just as a sneak hint, the 71/2 Diamond ones will include COWS!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your support, patience and love, see you soon!

PS the pics are of Carson in the water jump, me holding the camera and lead rope out of the water, and Indy, Cita and Ivy teaching him how to splash, play and do the Can Can……… Why I am the one who gets paid, I’ll never know…………….